Unrealistic Expectations: Are they real?

3 Signs You Are Cultivating Unrealistic Expectations

The definition of expectations is “a belief that someone will or should achieve something.” (www.dictionary.com)

There are two types of expectations.

High expectations, and then there are unrealistic expectations. High expectations can serve as a tool that motivates us to achieve our goals. On the other hand, unrealistic expectations can hinder our ability to identify unhelpful practices, leading to possible frustration, self-criticism, self-degradation, and toxic perfectionism. 

Our expectations of ourselves and those around us can influence how we deal with people and different situations.

Signs that you may be cultivating unrealistic expectations towards yourself and others.

1. Having a perfectionist mindset- While there may be benefits to being a perfectionist, a few examples would be good attention to detail and increased motivation. Trying to achieve perfection may seem harmless, but that pursuit could cause you to constantly worry about perfecting everything. It could trigger unhealthy consequences in your mind, body, and social life. You may experience high stress, leading to burnout, anxiety, and depression. 

What are some tips for you to overcome perfectionism?

• Start with awareness. Identify situations that cause you to overachieve. Write down the disadvantages of falling back to perfectionism. 
• Keep a list of reminders about slowing down and accepting that mistakes are not bad. 
• Create a different list of achievable tasks. Focus on one task at a time.
• Focus on completing first, not perfecting. And then, you can later go back and start slowly improving your work.
• Pause and take a break if you have to. 
• Acknowledge and celebrate your improvements. 

2. Control Issues - Trying to manage the outcome of how a situation will work out or how you would like for it to work out can create unrealistic expectations, spoken and unspoken. When you tend to want to control everything around you, it becomes frustrating when some things don’t go your way, and let’s face it, there are certain situations that we can never control. When control becomes a problem, it affects the overall quality of your personal and professional life. 

What can you do to be less controlling?

• Start with self-reflection. Ask yourself these questions; what are the root causes of my control issues? What happens if I try not to micromanage everything? What can I do to limit trying to control everything? What benefits will I get? Who else will be affected? 
• Allow yourself compassion and grace by letting go of the outcome if it is not perfect.
• Be more patient with yourself. Don’t be too hard if everything doesn’t go your way. 
• Keep a journal. There are so many reasons why keeping a journal is beneficial. One benefit allows you to track down the circumstances that prompt you to control your surroundings overly. In that way, it can help you counter your thoughts about control.
• Take it one step at a time. Don’t stress too much about your progress. There’s always room for growth. Focus on doing the work. 

3. Irrational Beliefs - Would a reasonable person have these thoughts and beliefs, or are your thoughts about the outcome more extreme, especially for yourself and the need to be perfect? What irrational beliefs could trigger our need to excessively control and perfect things? It could be due to long-term negative habits. The expectations from others put on us ever since childhood. Self-sabotage. Habituating negative self-talk.  Making conclusions about life, situations, and people. Refusing to understand other people’s perspectives.


How can we overcome those irrational thoughts?

• Recognize when, where, and how those irrational thoughts set in. The first step towards change is always awareness. It’s important to recognize and understand when these irrational thoughts sets in so you can prepare. A journal is always a good start.​
• Question those thoughts. Slowing down and asking yourself is “this thought true?”. Why do I “think this thought is true?” “How can I look at this situation from a different perspective?” Irrational thoughts are based on a skewed perspective about the truth.
• Check in on your emotions regularly. What we feel is always influenced by what we think. So it’s also essential to know how you feel accompanied by those thoughts.
• Replace those thoughts. Once you discover that irrational beliefs are not true, you have to replace them with what is true. Begin to speak the truth about yourself and the situation, and watch how your life will change.​
• Habituate these steps. Rinse and repeat these steps. Things do not change overnight, but things change with repetition. So practice these steps over and over until they become a part of your everyday life.

All of us eventually self-improve, whether it's intentional or not. Trying to change a habit doesn't go overnight. It requires practice.